Guest Post

The following piece was contributed by a member of the public.


"In the Overall Scheme of Things"
by Michaela Léan Chauvin

I have never shared with anyone all of the gory details of the abuse that I endured, not even my therapist. It took awhile before I even acknowledged to myself that it happened at all. That is why the flashbacks were so disturbing.

When I first started having them, I was devastated. The experience was absolutely horrifying and at first I thought I was imagining things, there was no way that those things could have happened. If they did, why didn’t I remember them until now?

About the time they began I was experiencing a particularly stressful time in my life. While I had had other stressors prior to this, this period was a trigger for these memories. I may never know what exactly the trigger was, and it really doesn’t matter. The fact is, it happened and it forced me to acknowledge the abuse. I still don’t talk about the details but for the first time in my life I can actually verbalize and acknowledge that I was raped, multiple times, over a period of years. There, now I have said it, in public.

Sometimes I get wrapped up in the bad things that have happened. They are part of who I am and they have shaped me. As much as I try, I cannot deny these things occurred. Even though I repressed my memory of these experiences, too painful to remember, they still impact me daily. Now that the memories have resurfaced I can see patterns of behavior that did not make sense at the time but are now perfectly clear. These “aha” moments are amazing and while the flashbacks have been painful, there is a bright side. Really!

For the first time in a long time I feel peaceful. I haven’t been looking over my shoulder and certain situations no longer cause me to bristle or withdraw. I still have a lot of work to do, but at least I am now on the road to working through everything. Notice I didn’t say “recovering” from my experiences. I don’t feel that I will ever recover, I can only move forward.

I was already seeing a mental health professional when the flashbacks started. Thank goodness for that! Part of my counseling included the development of a timeline of events in my life, from my earliest memory to the present. I found this exercise to be very therapeutic. When I look at my life from this vantage point I immediately recognize that the positive experiences far outweigh what I call the “dark periods”. I am also able to identify my strengths and support systems. I have after all survived and thrived over the long haul.

If I had a choice, I would choose to forego the trauma, but if that meant that I would be different than I am today, as a person, I would experience it all over again. Ultimately, I like the person that I have become and I am not sure that I would be who I am had I not experienced ALL of my life, the good and the bad.

There is a lot of good in my life and I am thankful for that. One thing that has helped me cope and keeps me moving forward is acknowledging that in the overall scheme of things I have a lot of positive experiences to draw upon.